Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Bang-toberfest begins!!
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
