i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
