I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
