I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
