Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
