Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
