He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
