my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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