This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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