a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I stole a fireplace last night.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize