saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
