happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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