Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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