good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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