my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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