I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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