note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize