My underwear smells like fireworks.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
no you cant smoke seaweed
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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