I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
