How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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