I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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