yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
