im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
