I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Barsexuality is the new black.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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