I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
