I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
