The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
