If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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