There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Randomize
