I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
