bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
