i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
