You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Vodka?
Forever.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
