You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
