life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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