its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
