I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
