just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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