My first STD was from a foam party
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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