I'm so fucking centered right now
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Are we still banned from the library?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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