There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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