quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
