You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I think I have vodka in my lungs
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
