Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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