I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
