shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Randomize
