I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
