I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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