I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
