I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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