update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
