I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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