I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
