So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
