is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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