As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
cat food counts as protein by the way
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
