Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you will always have a special place in my vag
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
